WOMANHOOD + TAKING UP SPACE

I wish I didn't have to write this post but I do. I wish I didn't have to consider the implications that come with pursuing that which makes you come alive with any kind of gusto but I do. I do because it seems like everywhere I turn, women are worried about taking up space. Worried that they are coming across as pushy; worried that they are seen as overly-confident; worried that if they go full throttle in their business and hobbies that they will be perceived as aggressive or salesy or up themselves or too much. So much worry.

I'm kind of tired of it. 

I recently got added into a really beautiful facebook group for women who are mothers that run their own business.  Spoiler alert: I don't officially run business - in fact you may be surprised to know that this blog space where I have been writing for almost 10 years isn't actually something I've chosen to monetise until very recently. I have made almost no money from my blog. More on that later.

The facebook group is run by the lovely and very wise Ray Dodd - a doula, hypnobirthing practitioner and creative coach for women and mothers in business.  Ray posted a video in the group recently entitled "Who is keeping you small?" where she delved into the idea that as women, especially mothers, we can absorb so many messages from people around us about what kind of space we should be taking up in the world.

I've realised that there are some significant issues that come up for me and many of the other women I know that are putting themselves out there to pursue what they love and it all centres around how much space we think we deserve to take up. I want to crack into some of the things we might be believe that are holding us back here - maybe you'll see something that you're struggling with too. Maybe shedding light on these things and calling them out for what they are will relieve us from the fear of them and give us all more permission to go for it. Here are some of the things I think we internalise that are keeping us from doing the things we were made to do:

+ We believe that someone else could do it better.

You have this idea, you want to do the thing, you feel passionate about 'X' but all you keep thinking about is how inadequate you are to do that thing compared to someone else and you feel paralysed and frustrated. Your inner dialogue says "someone else could do it way better and have way more influence and be more slick and funny and professional".  And you know what - that might be true to a degree but you cannot and should not let that stop you. They are not you. And your version of things is entirely important. If there is an idea or something you want to do that is eating up your soul or burning in your brain, you're going to put out a version of that thing that is totally unique to you and that will connect with particular people like nothing else will. You need to do the thing anyway. Take up your space. 

+ We struggle because some people do not want us to change.

When you decide to take up space and try something that takes you out of your comfort zone, some people aren't going to be happy with you doing that. When someone is used to you being a certain way or having certain parameters and you decide to step out of those parameters, it can be uncomfortable for them. Please hear me when I say this - that is not your issue. This is not your concern. Change can manifest some really interesting responses from people, even those that we love the most. When I started to take my writing and social media a little more seriously in order to develop opportunities for myself online, someone close to me unfollowed me on instagram. Isn't that wild? I was devastated. But it was about them, not me. The changes they were seeing me move into was uncomfortable for them. Don't let this be a barrier. You are entitled to evolve and change. We all are. Take up your space.

+ We think that we need to stay small to be relatable.

Taking up space as a women often means being unnecessarily apologetic or playing your talents down. You think people won't like you if you come across as confident - if you push your product, talk about what you know or claim your space as an expert. It is still in us to want to reduce ourselves for fear of what people may think. I think there are many ways to be confident in your abilities, to take up your rightful space and still be likeable or relatable. It's absurd to think it's not possible to do both - and frustrating because it never seems to be a concern for men. If you only ever promote yourself, try to sell, talk about yourself and only share your glory moments then sure - that's annoying and is going to alienate people but we shouldn't have to justify ourselves or follow every accomplishment with a self-deprecating caveat (it took me 6 months to be persuaded to put 'Mel Wiggins MBE' on my work email signature - I get that this is an issue for us). What we need is for men and women to champion each other publicly, so it becomes normal that women feel safe about unashamedly doing what they are made for. Take up your space. 

+ We know that us taking up space can trigger people who want to take up space too.

This is huge for women. I've been triggered by other peoples success and ideas and I know that things that I have done have been triggering for other people. Unfortunately the trigger is that when we decide to take up space, other people worry that there will be no space left; that you doing your thing will mean that there's no room for them to do theirs. And it's simply not true. The table is very wide and there are limitless places. This false culture of scarcity pips women against each other and it is damaging. Can you imagine how boring life would be without the flavour and variety of many people doing things in their own unique way? If you are someone who struggles with other women taking up space because it makes you feel like there's no room for you please hear this - your attitude on this is not only hurting yourself - but it's hurting the sisterhood. Cheer each other on and be supportive, even when it triggers that scarcity mentality in you and for goodness sakes, take up your space.

And here's the crux of it all: when we allow these things to hold us back, nobody benefits.

You don't benefit:  you will be become paranoid, resentful, over-questioning yourself, paralysed and find your creativity and energy for the things you love start to dry up. Brene Brown says that "unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame."

Your family doesn't benefit: they will have a wife or a mother who is not living at her fullest and that unfulfilled part of who you are will ripple into your family life and they will sense and feel your lack of satisfaction (it's OK to want satisfaction outside of being a mother or a wife, feel no guilt about that).

The rest of us don't benefit: the world misses out on your gift, your contribution, your voice! That is a loss that we can't afford. 

We all have our issues, our doubts about whether we deserve to take up space in the world with our gifts, abilities and desires. I over think every single thing I write or put out on social media because I'm so aware of the space I take up. I've just launched my first online course where I'm asking people to pay for what I write and the knowledge that I have and I have second guessed myself about it forty squillion times before I put it out there even though the content of this course is about a decades worth of learning for me.  

But what if we reframed how we look at these scary, vulnerable situations and saw them as opportunities to be pockets of light. That when we set out to do what lights us up, it shines a path for others to bravely do the same. We all start to shine, we give each other permission to be bright and fulfilled. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

— Marianne Williamson

So consider this your launch pad, your permission slip to get stuck in and take up as much space as you need. There is plenty of room for us all. Take up your space.

Images by the hilarious and talented Kat Mervyn

ASSEMBLY SPRING/SUMMER GATHERING - ALL THE DETAILS...

It's been almost two weeks since 30 of us met at the most beautiful property in rural Co. Down to make, eat and build community as creative women.

We couldn't have had a more perfect evening together. I say that without any hesitation of over-selling what we experienced and in full gratitude to the team of incredible women that made it happen. 

I had many moments of hesitation about doing a gathering so soon after the passing of my mum but it really was the tonic and focus I needed to push through a little bit more. Once again I was blown away by how courageous and honest these women were. All coming from different walks, different backgrounds and different points in their creative journey. It was a gentle, warm and inspiring night. I will try to keep my words few here and let the incredible Kat Mervyn do the talking through her lens as she captured our gathering so perfectly in these images.

The sun shone so magically all day and into the evening, after a week of rainy autumnal weather. As we set up and got things ready, we could all sense in the air it was for us - that mother nature was cutting us a break. Erin and Jo's place felt so right as the location of our Spring/Summer venue and the work they have done to the property so far is really impressive. There was a really peaceful atmosphere as we set everything up - taking our time, stopping to drink coffee and chat. I couldn't get over how calm and organised Erin was in the kitchen (on the outside at least!) - it really helped to create a chilled atmosphere.  So much so that as people began to arrive, I felt like I was just having some mates over to my house! Everyone was greeted with homemade cocktails and canapes and we started to break the ice gently with warm conversation and finding common ground. 

From there we split into workshops - half of us heading to the dining room to watch Jo work her magic as she expertly showed us how easy it was to make our own divine homemade mozzarella. The other half were led up to the loft room of one of the barns to meet Alison from Astrl Fibres and get started with some basic macrame skills. It is such a joy to watch people do their thing leading workshops, knowing that what they are teaching or talking about it driven by passion and purpose. 

After the workshops we headed into the cow byre to tables laid before us so elegantly by Grace. Every last touch was just stunning, a total feast for the eyes. We joked all day that Dave thinks Assembly Gatherings is just an excuse for me to pretend to have a wedding again every season. He is not far off the mark there, I cannot lie (we did not have the pinterest wedding frenzy 10 years ago that there is now so allow me to indulge this just a little). Really though, there is something so inviting about a table laid thoughtfully - beckoning you to sit, relax and dissolve into the atmosphere of things. Soft dusty pinks, palest greys, greenery hung overhead and brass touches set such a calming tone in the space. Grace has a way of doing this so effortlessly.

Erin and Jo (The Edible Flower) put on a meal for us that was really unforgettable. Every dish full of colour, flavour and heart. They have such a knack for making food that looks and tastes incredible, and I love how much of their herbs and ingredients were picked from their own gardens just hours before being served to us. Pea and mint soup, breads with za'atar, eastern spiced pork belly, falafel with tahini yoghurt, butternut squash and mozzarella with hazelnuts and thyme. Have mercy. We finished up with a dreamy apricot, almond and sweet geranium tart that blew my mind and almost tipped me over the eating edge.   

Add in some home-brewed belgian beer and wine and I'm not sure any of us were up for doing too much else but we saw the sun was going down so we headed out for a walk, taking pictures in the fields as the day drew in. 

As we retired back to the campfire, Erin and Jo had hot chocolate, mint chocolate tea and proper homemade marshmallows waiting for us. We lingered, chatting some more and exchanging details for keeping in touch. 

Thank you so much to everyone who came, contributed and encouraged. If you wanted to but weren't able to join us this time, please do sign up below to get first news about the next gathering. I love doing this, bringing people together and working with such talented women to make it happen. It will be Autumn before we know it and I can't wait to do it all over again. 

ASSEMBLY WINTER GATHERING

This time last week we were excitedly shoving pallets of beer out of the way, sweeping floors and filling carafes of water. We were hanging festoon lights (not me, I left that to the experts) and arranging bunches of fresh herbs at place settings. We were setting the stage for another Assembly Gathering.

After our very first magical gathering in the Autumn the fear started to set in about how I would ever be able to host another event that would be as special and intimate as it was.  The first one is always special isn't it? Because it's new and a bit raw and fumbly and honest. The first time round I invited creative women that I knew or that I had built up a relationship with online because it was a pilot - a test I gave myself - to see if the idea was worth it to other people and so it felt safer to invite people I knew rather than to open it up to everyone. I didn't want to lose that honesty and intimacy the second time around. Isn't it funny how the things you worry most about end up being the most beautiful part of something?...

So I flung the doors open this time - welcoming anyone who felt like they needed some creative community in their life to come along. No creative criteria needed to qualify you to be there - just a 'come as you are' call-out. I had so many messages from people saying how they wanted to come but didn't feel 'creative' enough. They were reassured that they didn't need to be 'professional' creatives to come - just a knowing in the bones that creativity was important to them. And so they did. 40 of us in fact - almost double the last gathering.

The scene of our evening together was Boundary Brewery Tap Room - a small, bright industrial unit in an old trade centre in the heart of East Belfast. Boundary is a cooperative brewery, owned by 1100 shareholders (of which we are one) and run by Matthew, Michael and a bunch of other passionate dreamers. We are big fans of what Boundary are doing - pursuing their passion, creating, experimenting, collaborating, and putting Northern Ireland on the map for amazing craft beer. It seemed like the perfect place to bring people together again. And so we did.

After our very first magical gathering in the Autumn the fear started to set in about how I would ever be able to host another event that would be as special and intimate as it was.  The first one is always special isn't it? Because it's new and a bit raw and fumbly and honest. The first time round I invited creative women that I knew or that I had built up a relationship with online because it was a pilot - a test I gave myself - to see if the idea was worth it to other people and so it felt safer to invite people I knew rather than to open it up to everyone. I didn't want to lose that honesty and intimacy the second time around. Isn't it funny how the things you worry most about end up being the most beautiful part of something?...

So I flung the doors open this time - welcoming anyone who felt like they needed some creative community in their life to come along. No creative criteria needed to qualify you to be there - just a 'come as you are' call-out. I had so many messages from people saying how they wanted to come but didn't feel 'creative' enough. They were reassured that they didn't need to be 'professional' creatives to come - just a knowing in the bones that creativity was important to them. And so they did. 40 of us in fact - almost double the last gathering.

The scene of our evening together was Boundary Brewery Tap Room - a small, bright industrial unit in an old trade centre in the heart of East Belfast. Boundary is a cooperative brewery, owned by 1100 shareholders (of which we are one) and run by Matthew, Michael and a bunch of other passionate dreamers. We are big fans of what Boundary are doing - pursuing their passion, creating, experimenting, collaborating, and putting Northern Ireland on the map for amazing craft beer. It seemed like the perfect place to bring people together again. And so we did.

As you can see I was joined by the most incredible team again. Grace Campbell from Grace & Saviour turned a lads-pad brewery into an earthy, charming, feminine haven. I'm so grateful for Grace's eye for detail and work ethic - she is a pleasure. See how she transformed the space...

Right? Clever girl. 

As people nervously arrived (and - full disclosure - I was putting make up on in my car - the glamour), we mingled, chatted and eventually split into two groups to flex our creative muscles. One group circled around the temporary bar to listen to Sheena (Matthew's wife, beer connoisseur and all-around beautiful person) tell the story of Boundary and talk through beer tasting etiquette - including the right way to pour, the brewing process, flavours and glassware importance. Who knew?! Even the most adamant, reluctant non beer-drinkers were swayed around by the beautifully citrusy Boundary ales. Combo that with some incredible crudites and wild garlic dip to keep our bellies from rumbling and it was hea-ven.

The other workshop brought Christine from Colour & Cloth in to show us how to naturally dye fabric using basic kitchen and foraged ingredients. We got to huddle around bubbling pots of blackberries, tea, tumeric and onion skins and watch Christine as she manipulated fabric around elastic bands and clothes pegs and dipped it in the pots of natural dye to create the most incredible patterns. Christine is a natural teacher and a talented maker (she worked on the costumes for Game of Thrones!) and I would highly recommend going along to any of her workshops. We were then each given a beautiful piece of natural silk to make our own mark on and take home as a scarf. It was such a good leveller to be able to chat as we went about folding and pegging our scarves, submerging them into the various dyes and hanging them all around the brewery to dry.

Once we had all sampled and tasted and dyed we were ready to sit down and feast. And feast we did. Sarah from Little Pink Kitchen put on the most incredible menu for us. We started with probably the best soup I have ever had - some kind of indian spiced parsnip and apple mouth party, with a little onion bahji on top. Then onto a plate full of mango chicken and paneer skewers, chopped seedy salads, coconut, sweet potato and pomegranate rice, dips to die for and a tangy blood orange cake for dessert.  So much yum. Sarah bossed it and everyone was raving about the flavours in the food - even the vegans! 

I don't remember what we're laughing about here but I was probably telling Sarah that she is a bonkers genius for making and delivering 40 lunches, going to OX for lunch herself and then making dinner for 40 people in THE ONE DAY. BY HERSELF. 

I'm just so gushingly grateful for all the incredible women who came out and braved their own self-doubt and nerves (not to mention our other gal pal, Storm Doris!) to be together. Not wanting to force conversation, but to gently encourage discussion directed towards our mutual love of creativity, I had laid out some quotes and questions on the table that could be talked about together. I loved stopping through dinner to look around and listen to all the buzz of conversation and connection as quotes were hashed out and questions were raised. It was so fun to see people meeting for the first time in real life - artists meeting customers and stockists of their work, designers meeting photographers, others wearing accessories designed by someone else in the room, not to mention so many moments of "Oh! You're ________! I've been dying to meet you! I love your work!"  This is what Assembly is all about. The connecting, the championing.

I'm already looking forward to planning for our Spring gathering - ideas are swirling! I really hope that if you have wanted to be a part of Assembly that you know that you can and you should- there is no hierarchy of creativity here. 

If you are interested in sponsoring Assembly Gatherings or would be interested in leading one of our workshops, please do get in touch - I would love to hear how we can work together.

Here's to making the time, honouring our creative sides and being part of a community in bloom.

* All of the photography you see here is from the insanely talented Grace from Adam & Grace Photography. We are so grateful for how beautifully she has captured the evening. *