YOU CANNOT FIGHT YOUR FEAR

Have you ever been in that position where you feel like you’re standing on the brink of change? Maybe you’ve been thinking about a change, or you’ve got an idea you’re toying with or something that you really want to say or do but the fear of jumping in and going for it is holding you back.

Maybe you’ve dipped your toe in the water of something new and fear has got you frozen, unable to move past the point of a toe dip and you’re ready to run back to safer shores. 

If this sounds a bit like you and those feelings and thoughts are fear and swirling around, the fear of what could go wrong feels overwhelming, but I want you to know that those feelings are completely normal and understandable. I want us to acknowledge those feelings and use this little dose of bravery to help you move forward and take the jump.

I’m a mother to two kids and like most kids, they give me the run around at bedtime. My youngest is 5 and she especially loves the bedtime shenanigans. She is such a happy, chilled little girl until it comes to going to bed and as soon as it’s time for lights out, it starts. For the last five years, we have stayed with her while she’s falling asleep, now we’ve been trying to transition out of that because she’s five now and bedtime ends up taking forever!

We all end up cramped in her single bed as she gets overtired. But still when it’s time for lights out and whoever is putting her to bed to leave the room, she starts. She gets really scared and starts tells me all kinds of reasons why it’s not bedtime in an attempt to keep me in the room. The thing about this process is, she is completely capable of falling asleep by herself, she’s just afraid because it’s new.

And new things are scary.

The dark is scary (even when the lights are on!) But fear isn’t interested in what’s real when it shows up for us in our own lives. Fear exists to keep us safe and it will tell us anything to keep us in our comfort zone and the ‘known’.

Doing things that are outside of our comfort zone are hard to get used to and our brains tend to try and alert us and warn us off to help us avoid the risks of the unknown. 

For the first few times we tried this new bedtime routine it was really frustrating. Whoever was putting her to bed would get annoyed at how long the excuses and the faffing about went on for, then it would end up getting heated. I’m sure there are plenty of other parents who can relate to this!

But this process made me realised that when it comes to fear it's actually counterintuitive to try and fight it. Fear is a human, innate instinct and when we try to bypass fear and think that we can fight it, argue with it, or force it into place, that's always going to be a lost cause. 

Fear is unpredictable and erratic. So for my daughter, getting annoyed at her fear only prolongs the fear and escalates the situation more.

When we are moving towards something new, it often involves making ourselves vulnerable, and even it’s something really exciting for you, fear is still at the ready. How fear shows up in our brain is by mentally throwing anything and everything it can think of to make us retreat away from this unknown territory of expansion and vulnerability into safety again. That’s why every thought we have in fear is often about failing, making a fool of ourselves or thinking of everything that could go wrong.

This is why fear is usually chaotic and unlikely to make a whole lot of sense, even though what we might be hearing in our head sounds ‘realistic’ or ‘reasonable’, it’s easier to accept that fear is right than to accept we need to push through this fear and these chaotic thoughts to succeed in taking the first step outside of the known.

So when those chaotic and overwhelming thoughts are dominating, what our fear often needs to hear is compassion and some good old reliable information. It needs tending to like a child kicking off at bedtime. It needs understanding, soothing and calming to counteract the chaos that it brings to our systems. 

As a parent, this means digging deep at the most tired part of the day when all you want to do is crash out on the sofa with an episode of something. And for anyone feeling fear about those things you want to do or want to explore, it means digging deep to find that understanding and compassion for ourselves when all of our instincts are telling us to run and simultaneously shaming ourselves for not having it together, or not being braver.

All we want is for our fear to go away and let us get on with the things we want to do. All I wanted was for my daughter to get there faster with the bedtime routine but she needs me to remain calm and not enter the chaos with her. To reassure her and be that rational voice to counteract the voice of fear. I can’t be the one to put gasoline on the fire of her fears by getting annoyed, instead I need to smother her fears with my love and patience. Hard as it is.

And you know what, after a few nights of digging deep, remaining calm and reassuring her, things are much calmer at bedtime. My reassurance has kept her calm and shown her that she can do it, that it’s safe and that we’re here to respond if she really does need us. It takes some evidence building to proof to herself and her fear that she’s capable of it for it to feel less scary. And it works the same way for us. 

So when you are thinking about or planning for the next thing you need to be brave about and you feel that rise of fear, know that you have it in you to dig deep, show yourself compassion and acknowledge your fear for what it is. 

Your body and brain are trying to protect you from the unknown and unfamiliar. By acknowledging that you can let your fear know that you are grateful for its protection and that you’d like to proceed. You can show it the evidence that you’re ready, that the thoughts of failure are not rational but fear’s safety net which you appreciate and need to move on from. 

You can give your fear a stroke on the proverbial head and reassure it that you can take it from here.