THE SOCIAL MEDIA RAT RACE & THE POWER WE GIVE AWAY

It’s a bit of a beast, this Internet age isn’t it? The endless opportunities at our fingertips. I get so excited by it; full of ideas, about the innovation and connection potential it holds.

But it’s also exhausting, right? I can’t be the only one that finds it exhausting. I’ve sat on this blog post for approximately three months because I find the social media exhausting and I kept coming back to this piece with more to say.

I counted recently that there are no less than 15 ways that people can contact or get a hold of me online – through DM’s, tweets, emails, whatsapp, comments etc. That feels kinda crazy and a long way from waiting on letters arriving from penpals or going to the cupboard under the stairs to ring the home phone of a school mate and having to go through small talk with their mum before you got passed the phone.

A couple of months ago I had a bit of a tough conversation with a friend. She shared how she had noticed that I had responded to lots of comments on one of my Instagram posts but had waited days for a reply to her text message about lunch. That stung. It stung because it was true and pretty hard to face. A message from a dearly loved friend had got lost in the frenzy of engagement online.  

And so here is where it can turn into a bit of a beast.  How can we ever keep up with this relentless style of communication? How can we be available to so many people in this many ways and expect to have healthy relationships and boundaries? I continue to ask this of myself as I gradually loosen my grip on social media.

I want to write about this sensitively, because I am aware that how people use social media is a touchy one. We all use it or consume it for different reasons. Some people use it to promote their services, businesses and some simply to keep in touch or maybe even to feel less alone in a relentless day of stay at home parenting. Maybe a mix of all of those things. I’m not the internet police, but I do wonder if there might be room for a conversation, particularly amongst women of the blogging/’influencer’ world, about how the constant rat race of posting, polling and sharing might be burning people out and moving them away from being tuned into their own decision making and desires at a pretty fast rate.

My thinking around it these days is this: if we are continually putting out content on our social media, IG, stories, chats, blog, youtube or wherever else we like – we are inviting people to engage; which can be wonderful and supportive and will maybe open doors to meeting new people, building important business connections etc. but the offshoot to that; the payment for those things is that when we invite people to engage, we are most likely going to feel a need to respond to that engagement. After all, it is social media.

Here’s what I’m seeing happening with bloggers and those trying to build a following: we post something - we invite engagement, and then we are burnt out by having to keep up with that engagement which we now feel chained to so we can keep algorithms in our favour and likes rolling in and new followers clicking through and for what? What is the ultimate goal here? Is this really the culture we are striving for? One where we miss the messages of our friends because we need to post at certain high traffic time because the algorithm is the boss of our lives? Doesn’t it seem a bit like we are pushing or striving a bit too much? And to what end? What is the holy grail of all this posting and engagement? How do we really measure what impact our voices, our sharing, our engagement has? Surely it’s human connection?

Rob Bell did an incredible podcast series that has been so timely for me to listen to as I have been putting together (and avoiding publishing) this post. In it he talks about this film maker who made a movie that was met with less than favourable box office stats. He said about his film “our metric for success is off. There are no reliable statistics for hearts opened or wounds healed”. He had made work that he loved. He knew it was good. He felt it in his bones so he knew that statistics or likes were never going to be a true measure of its impact. 

You see, there are so many voices, images, people trying to be heard across so many platforms and I think it would be fair to say that we all hoping to be seen in some way; even if your interaction with social media is a fairly relaxed one.

And wanting to share or to be seen/heard isn’t a bad thing, absolutely not. It’s a human thing – the inner wiring we all have to connect and share. “Hey, look at this picture of how cute my kid is in the snow!” “I really love these shoes, aren’t they awesome?” "This video is so funny, I just had to share!" “This issue is so awful, will you care about it with me?” We are all searching for that ‘me too’ moment - to feel a bit more understood and known.

Lately though I’ve been finding that social media has become so noisy, and I wonder how much of that noise is actually adding value to our lives; to my life. I wonder if a lot of what is being put out there is more about the need to keep up with regular relevant posting and the fear of being forgotten about rather than wanting to add value; to really connect.

I’m also intrigued about how we talk when we haven’t been present online as much as usual. I observe amazing women (especially) come onto instagram stories and apologise for not being ‘around’ because they have been busy with sick kids/work/general life etc. I don’t think we say it because we feel so important that we need to explain our absence, but there is an underlying concern that we need to justify living our life outside of social media. How about we make a pact of no more apologising to people behind screens for not being on your screen. It’s all backwards and no one – whether you have 20 or 20 000 followers, should ever apologise for having a life. I think women could do with apologising less for unnecessary things in general too.

It’s amazing to have a community of people to connect with online, but you also don’t owe anyone anything – you know that right? You don’t owe anyone on the internet an update on your day, or really even a response to what you’ve shared. I think the more we give ourselves permission to strive less with our online lives, the more we can give that permission to others and slow this train down a little. There is no online finish line to hustle towards; no magic amount of followers to gain before life becomes easy and we are exempt from the mundane. That day isn’t coming and we need to stop apologising for being present in other areas of our lives. Don’t let the pace of others dictate your pace.  

That isn’t to say that we should share less – that’s where I want to be clear.  The internet and social media has been great for women in particular. Mothers who feel less alone because of online communities they have formed while the demands of parenting could keep them isolated; women in business who can promote their work and ideas on their own terms. It’s incredible and worth celebrating for that. What women have to say need to be heard – their space needs to be taken up. That’s not what this is about…

What I’m figuring out is that I only want to bring something to the table that adds value, not noise. It won’t add value for everyone (How remarkable! Not everyone is going to like me or what I bring to the table!), but I want to be proud of what I share, to feel good about it for myself, knowing that it aligns to my values and is either likely to serve someone else or lead to some sort of real-life moment of connection. That’s what I’m really after. That’s the legacy of social media usage I want to have.

Here’s why I think we should claim back our social media power:

1)  We are not supposed to be able to be all things in all places. We have limitations and they are healthy and important and actually freeing. Listen to your mind, your inner voice, your body. Are you feeling pressured, rushed, overwhelmed, left behind by this narrative that you should be doing/sharing more online? Your mind and body may be telling you that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Listen to it carefully.

2)  Taking your time and adding value means that you can carve out a unique space for yourself online; one that feels like it has purpose and intention and actually attracts or serves the people you need it to, particularly if you are a business owner or you offer services. Creativity is easily clouded by the idea of having to do lots of things in order to be seen and it often leads to doing nothing at all. Do something well; be intent on becoming an expert or a go-to person on something that you really love or feel passionately about. Give that your focus and watch your creativity flourish.

3)  We could all do with being a little less ‘influenced’. I wonder how many of us realise how much we have become consumers of other peoples ideas, likes, taste and style instead of really getting to know ourselves or being realistic about our own lives. What might you need to unfollow or unsubscribe from to be able to be unstuck from other people’s version of enough or of happiness? (for me, it was unfollowing a lot of beautiful but out-of-my-price-range children’s clothing accounts – heaven help us all - I cannot afford to buy cashmere onesies that will forever be stained orange by a toddler who is very wilful about her orange peeling autonomy). What do you need to do to protect this space for yourself?

4)  Finally – I’ve been realising just how much social media is muting our connection to our own true desires. I am actually starting to think that the poll feature on Instagram/Facebook is probably the work of the patriarchy. Countless times I have seen women use this poll feature to ask the opinions of perfect strangers on everything from what kind make up look they should do, what they should talk about on stories, what kind of blog posts they should write and what they should wear. No way. Women did not die fighting for us to get the vote so you could be ruled by other peoples opinions on an instagram poll. Asking opinions for things like style, writing and sharing ideas should NEVER come from anyone else but you. Nobody. For years women have been told that they need to seek advice and counsel outside of themselves, moving them away from their own inner wisdom and desires and it’s just not right. Step away from the poll feature ladies. Write what YOU want to write (your people are out there – the people who love what you write and want to connect with your ideas). Wear what YOU want to wear. Create content that YOU are proud of.

Let's claim back our power and resolve to add value. Stick it to the man and stick it to the poll feature.

Maybe that would have been a snappier title?

OPERATING FROM A PLACE OF REST

I love to work hard. I love to bring ideas to life and to dream and scheme and do. 

This is a huge part of my make-up and personality. My brain is wired for action and ideas and this is a gift to me, I know that. I get huge fulfilment from the 'doing' but lately I've been on a path of learning the importance of rest; but maybe not rest as I once knew it.

Our culture isn't a big promoter of rest is it? We are often encouraged to hustle, to do more, have more, be more. Work harder, faster, stronger, longer - achieve achieve achieve.  On the other hand, rest can sometimes sounds like this elusive thing that is only ever achievable if you have no responsibilities or ambition. Jobs can be relentless. Parenting can be relentless. Is it really a case of either working hard and resting hard? I don't think either of these binary ways of thinking are helpful or healthy. There is burn-out waiting around the corner and rest happening from a place of burn out is not rest. It is recovery. I don't know about you but I don't want to recover from my life. 

Rest doesn't always sound very exciting either does it? Maybe for you it sounds like stopping or waiting or hesitation and maybe even for some of us - weakness. 

I've had a bit of an awakening to what rest looks like for me - a bit of a stirring of realisation.

Ethically made, toasty wool slippers c/o Baabuk. Couldn't be without them. (Use 'Melanie10' for discount if you want to grab yourself a pair)

I'm starting to wonder if rest is even something that you necessarily have to 'do' - you have a busy season in work or home life and then you take a period to rest. That feels too cyclic for me; too up and down. I have been on this very train a thousand times and it doesn't feel good any more. So now I wonder if rest is something that you can inhabit rather than do. I wonder if rest is actually a state that you can embrace and operate from rather than resort to. I wonder if it's less about stopping but is actually about adopting a different way of moving in the world that is less frantic, fearful and unnecessarily busy. Isn't that something we are all craving? 

Here's what operating from a place of rest might actually mean for us:

- saying no to things that aren't the most important so you can have space do what you love.

- only posting on social media when you have something of value to offer - not because you are afraid of being forgotten about. 

- not getting distracted by what other people are doing - being really clear about what your goals, your desires and your ambitions are.

- scheduling in time to do things that nourish you. 

- not apologising if you haven't gotten back to someone right away. There are no less than 15 ways that people can get hold of us these days - it's not OK to feel obliged to respond all of the time.

- doing things you love without thinking about how productive is it (this is one I struggle with a lot).

- not feeling guilty when you do nothing because your body is telling you not to.

- not feeling guilty when you are working or playing hard because you love what you are doing and you have the energy to do it.

- having more clarity about who you are, who is important to you, what you really love to do instead of moving from one thing, person, task to the next because of fear or obligation.

I recognise that the term 'rest' comes with some baggage and might seem idealistic - life has demands and comes with responsibility so this isn't about switching off from that but about having healthy boundaries, understanding how you operate best as a person and moving in the world from a place of self-support. 

If you are picking up what I'm laying down here and this feels like something you are craving here are some questions/tips that you can begin to mull:

1) What are the pain-points in your life that leave you feeling frantic, fearful or frustrated? Identify three things and jot them down - the act of writing these down instead of having them in your head can be really powerful when it comes to remembering those triggers for you. Is it over-consuming social media that leaves you frantic? Is it a relationship that you know isn't good for your soul? Is it a responsibility in the home that you need to ask for help with?

2) What are the things that give you most fulfilment - when you feel most alive, energised, like yourself, at peace or supported? Again - write them down. How much space have you prioritised in your life for these things? Time is a choice and we have the power to fill our lives with the things that deserve to be there. 

3) What other intentional things can you filter into your life to feel like you are supporting yourself well? My friend Hannah talked beautifully on a podcast with Sas Petherick recently about how she supports herself through bouts of anxiety. It's a hugely important conversation and Hannah is so wise about how she views rest etc. Listen here for some of her tips.

As always, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you found a way to operate from a place of rest in your life? Does it seem unachievable in our modern age? 

INTRODUCING... ASSEMBLY SESSIONS

If you've been around this space for a while you will know that for the last year and a half I have been organising a new venture: Assembly Gatherings. These gatherings have been really significant for me - a real medley of all the things I love to do (outside of my work and home life) - organise, bring ideas to life, connect amazing women, help make spaces beautiful, get creative and work with talented creative women. EAT.

Almost 100 women have been part of Assembly Gatherings in the last 18 months and I'm really grateful for how it has developed and grown. This is largely because of the women that attend. They are openhearted and warm and they truly get it. 

At the beginning of the year I asked these women for their feedback - to help me to shape the future of Assembly because I felt like it was becoming an important feature in my life and in some of theirs and I want it to serve us all well. Assembly, above all the beautiful food, styling and workshops, is about giving women essential space to meet kindred creative spirits, to collaborate and learn. And the feedback was that they wanted more of that - more opportunities to truly connect - to really dig in and share. 

I don't know about you but my creativity needs midwifery. There is not a creative process that I've been through - whether launching a blog, a charity project, an online course, or any other idea that I haven't needed the advice, support and cheering on of other women. I think a lot of us realise we need this. We aren't made to work in silos, slogging it out on our own. We are made for creativity in community - to be around women who can help us birth our ideas by listening, advising, helping and sharing.  

All of this to say that I want to tell you what's next for Assembly!

Assembly Sessions are smaller (25 people max), more intimate events for women really wanting to dig into their creative space and find supportive community. They are more frequent than our big, banquet all-day style Gatherings but give more space for sharing and getting to know other like-minded women. Sessions are where we dig in, Gatherings are where we celebrate. 

Assembly Sessions will run four times a year, will be stripped back but have the same beautiful Assembly identity of food and gathering in beautiful spaces and will be focused on both the inner work of being a creative and some of the practical skills that can see our pursuits flourish.  These are not business networks or formal forums - these are safe spaces for soulful creatives to bring out the best in each other.

I'm excited to tell you that our first Assembly Session will be happening next month! Together we are going to unpack the some of the things that hold us back in our creative lives - either in our professions, hobbies or other creative pursuits. This is such an important topic to shine a light on because every single one of us have fears and niggling voices of criticism in our heads that we allow to dictate how we show up in the world. This Session is going to help us manage this and unearth the tools we already have to be brave and wise.

Here are more details: 

SESSION 1
'FACE THE FEAR - DO IT ANYWAY' 

SATURDAY, 3RD MARCH  2pm - 6pm (late lunch included)
COST: £50

BLICK STUDIOS - MALONE ROAD, BELFAST
 

SESSION INCLUDES:

+ Lavish late lunch buffet banquet by the incredible Lorna, from Tacacucina.  

+ Breathing & body connection exercises with yoga teacher Oonagh Todd.

+ Reflective workshop led by me: Unpacking the voices that hold you back & taming the inner critic. Finding and connecting to your own true voice of wisdom. 

+ We will be led in reflection and visualisation exercises and we will have the opportunity to unpack our thoughts around these important areas of our creative lives through journalling and group discussion. Journals and other goodies provided!
 

THIS SESSION IS FOR YOU IF:

+ you want to feel more empowered in your creative journey. 

+ you are tired of letting fear and negative voices in your head hold you back from flourishing.

+ you feel stuck or unsure if your contributions are worth anything in the creative realm.

+ you want to reconnect to the calm wisdom that you have inside you.

+ you desire to make space for nourishing your body and soul.

+ you want to be inspired by & connected to other like-minded women.

If any of these things are true for you - this is your time!

I have a real feeling that this is the beginning of seeing women support and cheer each other on each other like never before - of being generous with each other, modelling a new way of being creative in community. I would so love you to be a part of this so if you have any questions, please let me know. Don't forget - spaces are limited (quite a few places have already gone!) so don't wait around - our last event sold out within 12 hours...

Can't wait to see you there!

ASSEMBLY FESTIVE GATHERING

Our final Assembly Gathering of 2017 has come and gone. On Sunday afternoon 35 of us huddled around campfires, dined on delicious local food, foraged in the freezing sunlight and forged new friendships. 

With ice and snow covering most of the country over the weekend, it felt like madness to be hosting a dinner and workshops in a stone barn at the beautiful property of Laura & Ben in Downpatrick. Miraculously though, the sun came out as people were arriving and it wasn't long before we forgot about the cold and immersed ourselves in conversations, food and making. We forgot about the cold. We forgot about the cold. Maybe if I write it a few more times it will be true. It was cold. 

A year into running Assembly Gatherings has taught me a lot about the power of female resilience; of the wide open hearts of women who want to connect. Each time we have a gathering it feels like we are steadily building an army of supportive women, ready to propel and promote each other. I can feel it in my bones and see it in the way people are connecting both online and in person.

Once everyone arrived safely and the ice (literally and figuratively) had been broken, we headed into the barn for lunch which Grace and I had set up and Grace styled beautifully as our dining spot (big thanks to the lovely Laura for also helping out, and to Linen Me for the gorgeous linen table napkins). Our host Laura (who runs the gorgeous tipi venue Finnebrogue Woods) had been busy cooking up the most incredible meal for us in her kitchen down below the barn.  We feasted on moroccan roasted chickpeas, carrots and feta to start, steamy hot beef and prune tagine (with Dexter beef - one of Laura's family businesses) and finished off with the most glorious Nearynogs chocolate and salted caramel tart that you ever did taste. We tucked in, poured the wine and Long Meadow cider and the room was filled with chatter and warmth. 

It was so much fun to put together the gift bags for everyone with some beautiful ethical and local treats. We had stunning prints from some of the amazing female artists that were in attendence - Lisa from White Chalk Studio and Paula McGurdy .  We were also treated to some cozy socks from Thought Clothing, rich spiced hand cream from Green People and all natural calm balm from local maker A Blissful Blend. 

After lunch we split up and did some workshops. One half off to the forest to gather greenery for wreath making with Janice from Gathered Threads and the other half huddled into the back room of the barn to roll truffles and learn about bean to bar chocolate making from Northern Irelands only stoneground chocolate makers - Nearynogs! 

Lauras property spans over fields and woodland and with the afternoon sunlight fading, we felt like we were in Narnia...

Meanwhite back in the barn, Dot and Erin were leading us in a chocolate tasting session, sharing about their family business and giving us truffles to roll and take home. 

Can you even get over how beautiful these images are? Sheesh. Kat Mervyn captured the day perfectly for us and I'm so grateful. Kat is not only a mega talent behind the lens, but also makes me howl every time she opens her mouth. 

Thanks so much to everyone who braved the snow and ice to come and spend the day together and the wonderful team of women who helped to make it happen. I am keen to develop Assembly in the coming year - to see how we can really bolster support for creative women here in Northern Ireland and use the big pool of female talent here to learn from.  

Here's to Assembly Gatherings 2018!