CREATIVITY & COURAGE

A couple of months ago my lovely pal Emma (Life At The Little Wood) asked if I would speak at the Blog Retreat she was hosting for all of us bloggy/grammy types here in Northern Ireland. It was pitched as a pretty small affair to begin with so I, of course, said I would.  Then everyone wanted to come and it turned into a 140 people full on event at the incredibly beautiful Larchfield Estate! That's what happens when someone like Emma starts a ball rollin. She brings in the fold.

Public speaking is something I do a lot of in my work with Freedom Acts. Usually not a week goes by where I'm not speaking in front of a small or a big crowd of people about trafficking and exploitation. I still get nervous about it, but it's definitely something I'm well versed in now. But to talk about blogging and creativity - sheesh. That felt different. A little less factual, a little more personal. To be honest, my September leading up to the blog event had been an absolute stress-fest. I had been launching a big campaign for Freedom Acts, re-writing our entire website, writing scripts for 6 promo videos and putting together a brand new resource for our 5 year celebration event. I was also delivering my Eco Family Living course to a full intake of amazing people online which was making me so happy but so tired! That's why it might have gone a bit quiet round these parts lately. 

I am the Queen of taking too much on. Except without the crown of a Queen or the minions to delegate to and run after me. I kind of thrive on achievement and getting stuff done but I learned some hard lessons in September about pacing myself and being wise.

Emma had asked me to speak about developing creativity and when I sat down to write what I wanted to say, I felt like I couldn't talk about creativity without talking about courage - so that's what I did. I brought along a little book I wrote when I was eight years old that I had recently found at my parents house. Finding it reminded me how creativity as a child is so innate, so free. I showed the room my book; in all its eight year old Mel glory with wild pictures and storylines and carefree imagination. I wanted to remind the room of the courage it takes to be creative as an adult and I shared three things that I thought would help to bring that child-like courage out of us again. I'm sharing it here again as a reminder to myself and to you.

That sure is a big room full of bloggers! Photo credit to the beautiful @mylittleduke

I want to use this space to give you permission to reconnect with your creativity -  to acknowledge and own your own creative voice. Maybe you don’t think you have one. Maybe you feel like a fraud when it comes to creativity. Maybe you have creativity bubbling up inside you but you don’t know where to start. Maybe you feel overwhelmed with the idea of putting your ideas and thoughts and creativity out there because you don’t feel like you’re bloggy enough. Or important enough. Or good enough.

Those are super normal feelings to have but they are also mindsets that block our creativity and end up making us feel paralysed and so we do nothing, consume other peoples creativity and push ours further down. Here are three ways we can tackle these mindset blocks and hopefully feel more free, more able to unleash our creativity with authority and clarity.

FIND YOUR NICHE

What is it that you really love to write or do or share about? Not what you think you should write about because that’s what a style blogger or a parenting blogger or a lifestyle blogger writes about – what do you love? The most authentic writing or making comes from a place of passion about what you are writing or doing. One of the mantras I have for myself when it comes to writing is ‘write the blog you would want to read’.

I’ve written many blog posts where my heart just wasn’t in it but I did it because I felt like I needed to write something, or because I didn’t want people to forget about my blog. It has taken me a long time to figure out this formula of a niche for me, and it has changed a lot over time but once I did – it really helped me to align my blog and all my other creative endeavours well. My niche centres around ethical living, motherhood and creativity. Those are my 3 focus points – pretty much everything I write or do connects to those things. Because of this, people know what they are getting when they come to read my blog, when they buy one of my online courses/resources or come to one of my events. As you work this out, slowly you begin to find your audience, your support network, your people. These focuses can change over time, sure – we are allowed to evolve in our interests and write or do things in the margins of our lives and you don’t even need to declare your niche to the world but to unlock your creativity, it might help to write down 3 or 4 topics, areas or focuses that you want to connect to and let your creativity flow from there. Sometimes boundaries can be seen as a bad thing, but in a world where possibilities or paths are endless, often having a way marked out that really fits your passions can help you navigate the work that you want to do well. 

TAKE UP YOUR SPACE

In my last blog post I talked about ‘Taking Up Your Space’ and I want to reiterate that again.  If you feel like it’s all been said, that there is no room for your voice, that the creative market is saturated – that’s very normal. But I want to tell you that it’s not true.

Just because 100 other bloggers have written about the toddler years, this seasons make up trends, recipes for busy parents, the journey of grief or the best box sets of all time does not mean the table is full. There is always room for more, and more importantly – for YOUR voice. No one else will talk about these things in the candour and point of view that you have and the likelihood is that someone will connect with how you see things. Your voice is important. I'll use my favourite Brene Brown quote on unused creativity again:

“Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame.”

Brene says “There’s no such thing as creative people, and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t. Unused creativity doesn’t just disappear. It lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.”

Use your creativity before it eats you up – take up your space.

COMMUNITY OVER COMPARISON

This leads me on to my last point; the most crippling to our creativity. Comparison. Sure – it’s the thief of joy – but it’s also the thief of creativity. When we spend our lives looking around at who is doing it better, getting more opportunities or writing and doing things we wish we had written or done we are putting up walls to our creativity. We are blocking it into a tiny space.

Stay your track, do your best work, support the community you want to be a part of and be inspired. More than that – make friends with the people who inspire you – not to copy what they do, but to be inspired, to learn from them and to grow. Get to know them – be their champion – turn that comparison into community. Nobody’s creativity blooms well when they are busy looking around in jealousy, judgement or regret. In fact, it shrivels.

And lastly, I want you to think of your creativity as a muscle you need to courageously flex and we do that by keeping going and putting our brave selves into the world. By honing in on our niche, by taking up our space and by being inspired to build community with each other we can flourish and find that creative freedom.

WOMANHOOD + TAKING UP SPACE

I wish I didn't have to write this post but I do. I wish I didn't have to consider the implications that come with pursuing that which makes you come alive with any kind of gusto but I do. I do because it seems like everywhere I turn, women are worried about taking up space. Worried that they are coming across as pushy; worried that they are seen as overly-confident; worried that if they go full throttle in their business and hobbies that they will be perceived as aggressive or salesy or up themselves or too much. So much worry.

I'm kind of tired of it. 

I recently got added into a really beautiful facebook group for women who are mothers that run their own business.  Spoiler alert: I don't officially run business - in fact you may be surprised to know that this blog space where I have been writing for almost 10 years isn't actually something I've chosen to monetise until very recently. I have made almost no money from my blog. More on that later.

The facebook group is run by the lovely and very wise Ray Dodd - a doula, hypnobirthing practitioner and creative coach for women and mothers in business.  Ray posted a video in the group recently entitled "Who is keeping you small?" where she delved into the idea that as women, especially mothers, we can absorb so many messages from people around us about what kind of space we should be taking up in the world.

I've realised that there are some significant issues that come up for me and many of the other women I know that are putting themselves out there to pursue what they love and it all centres around how much space we think we deserve to take up. I want to crack into some of the things we might be believe that are holding us back here - maybe you'll see something that you're struggling with too. Maybe shedding light on these things and calling them out for what they are will relieve us from the fear of them and give us all more permission to go for it. Here are some of the things I think we internalise that are keeping us from doing the things we were made to do:

+ We believe that someone else could do it better.

You have this idea, you want to do the thing, you feel passionate about 'X' but all you keep thinking about is how inadequate you are to do that thing compared to someone else and you feel paralysed and frustrated. Your inner dialogue says "someone else could do it way better and have way more influence and be more slick and funny and professional".  And you know what - that might be true to a degree but you cannot and should not let that stop you. They are not you. And your version of things is entirely important. If there is an idea or something you want to do that is eating up your soul or burning in your brain, you're going to put out a version of that thing that is totally unique to you and that will connect with particular people like nothing else will. You need to do the thing anyway. Take up your space. 

+ We struggle because some people do not want us to change.

When you decide to take up space and try something that takes you out of your comfort zone, some people aren't going to be happy with you doing that. When someone is used to you being a certain way or having certain parameters and you decide to step out of those parameters, it can be uncomfortable for them. Please hear me when I say this - that is not your issue. This is not your concern. Change can manifest some really interesting responses from people, even those that we love the most. When I started to take my writing and social media a little more seriously in order to develop opportunities for myself online, someone close to me unfollowed me on instagram. Isn't that wild? I was devastated. But it was about them, not me. The changes they were seeing me move into was uncomfortable for them. Don't let this be a barrier. You are entitled to evolve and change. We all are. Take up your space.

+ We think that we need to stay small to be relatable.

Taking up space as a women often means being unnecessarily apologetic or playing your talents down. You think people won't like you if you come across as confident - if you push your product, talk about what you know or claim your space as an expert. It is still in us to want to reduce ourselves for fear of what people may think. I think there are many ways to be confident in your abilities, to take up your rightful space and still be likeable or relatable. It's absurd to think it's not possible to do both - and frustrating because it never seems to be a concern for men. If you only ever promote yourself, try to sell, talk about yourself and only share your glory moments then sure - that's annoying and is going to alienate people but we shouldn't have to justify ourselves or follow every accomplishment with a self-deprecating caveat (it took me 6 months to be persuaded to put 'Mel Wiggins MBE' on my work email signature - I get that this is an issue for us). What we need is for men and women to champion each other publicly, so it becomes normal that women feel safe about unashamedly doing what they are made for. Take up your space. 

+ We know that us taking up space can trigger people who want to take up space too.

This is huge for women. I've been triggered by other peoples success and ideas and I know that things that I have done have been triggering for other people. Unfortunately the trigger is that when we decide to take up space, other people worry that there will be no space left; that you doing your thing will mean that there's no room for them to do theirs. And it's simply not true. The table is very wide and there are limitless places. This false culture of scarcity pips women against each other and it is damaging. Can you imagine how boring life would be without the flavour and variety of many people doing things in their own unique way? If you are someone who struggles with other women taking up space because it makes you feel like there's no room for you please hear this - your attitude on this is not only hurting yourself - but it's hurting the sisterhood. Cheer each other on and be supportive, even when it triggers that scarcity mentality in you and for goodness sakes, take up your space.

And here's the crux of it all: when we allow these things to hold us back, nobody benefits.

You don't benefit:  you will be become paranoid, resentful, over-questioning yourself, paralysed and find your creativity and energy for the things you love start to dry up. Brene Brown says that "unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes. It turns into grief, rage, judgement, sorrow, shame."

Your family doesn't benefit: they will have a wife or a mother who is not living at her fullest and that unfulfilled part of who you are will ripple into your family life and they will sense and feel your lack of satisfaction (it's OK to want satisfaction outside of being a mother or a wife, feel no guilt about that).

The rest of us don't benefit: the world misses out on your gift, your contribution, your voice! That is a loss that we can't afford. 

We all have our issues, our doubts about whether we deserve to take up space in the world with our gifts, abilities and desires. I over think every single thing I write or put out on social media because I'm so aware of the space I take up. I've just launched my first online course where I'm asking people to pay for what I write and the knowledge that I have and I have second guessed myself about it forty squillion times before I put it out there even though the content of this course is about a decades worth of learning for me.  

But what if we reframed how we look at these scary, vulnerable situations and saw them as opportunities to be pockets of light. That when we set out to do what lights us up, it shines a path for others to bravely do the same. We all start to shine, we give each other permission to be bright and fulfilled. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

— Marianne Williamson

So consider this your launch pad, your permission slip to get stuck in and take up as much space as you need. There is plenty of room for us all. Take up your space.

Images by the hilarious and talented Kat Mervyn

ASSEMBLY SPRING/SUMMER GATHERING - ALL THE DETAILS...

It's been almost two weeks since 30 of us met at the most beautiful property in rural Co. Down to make, eat and build community as creative women.

We couldn't have had a more perfect evening together. I say that without any hesitation of over-selling what we experienced and in full gratitude to the team of incredible women that made it happen. 

I had many moments of hesitation about doing a gathering so soon after the passing of my mum but it really was the tonic and focus I needed to push through a little bit more. Once again I was blown away by how courageous and honest these women were. All coming from different walks, different backgrounds and different points in their creative journey. It was a gentle, warm and inspiring night. I will try to keep my words few here and let the incredible Kat Mervyn do the talking through her lens as she captured our gathering so perfectly in these images.

The sun shone so magically all day and into the evening, after a week of rainy autumnal weather. As we set up and got things ready, we could all sense in the air it was for us - that mother nature was cutting us a break. Erin and Jo's place felt so right as the location of our Spring/Summer venue and the work they have done to the property so far is really impressive. There was a really peaceful atmosphere as we set everything up - taking our time, stopping to drink coffee and chat. I couldn't get over how calm and organised Erin was in the kitchen (on the outside at least!) - it really helped to create a chilled atmosphere.  So much so that as people began to arrive, I felt like I was just having some mates over to my house! Everyone was greeted with homemade cocktails and canapes and we started to break the ice gently with warm conversation and finding common ground. 

From there we split into workshops - half of us heading to the dining room to watch Jo work her magic as she expertly showed us how easy it was to make our own divine homemade mozzarella. The other half were led up to the loft room of one of the barns to meet Alison from Astrl Fibres and get started with some basic macrame skills. It is such a joy to watch people do their thing leading workshops, knowing that what they are teaching or talking about it driven by passion and purpose. 

After the workshops we headed into the cow byre to tables laid before us so elegantly by Grace. Every last touch was just stunning, a total feast for the eyes. We joked all day that Dave thinks Assembly Gatherings is just an excuse for me to pretend to have a wedding again every season. He is not far off the mark there, I cannot lie (we did not have the pinterest wedding frenzy 10 years ago that there is now so allow me to indulge this just a little). Really though, there is something so inviting about a table laid thoughtfully - beckoning you to sit, relax and dissolve into the atmosphere of things. Soft dusty pinks, palest greys, greenery hung overhead and brass touches set such a calming tone in the space. Grace has a way of doing this so effortlessly.

Erin and Jo (The Edible Flower) put on a meal for us that was really unforgettable. Every dish full of colour, flavour and heart. They have such a knack for making food that looks and tastes incredible, and I love how much of their herbs and ingredients were picked from their own gardens just hours before being served to us. Pea and mint soup, breads with za'atar, eastern spiced pork belly, falafel with tahini yoghurt, butternut squash and mozzarella with hazelnuts and thyme. Have mercy. We finished up with a dreamy apricot, almond and sweet geranium tart that blew my mind and almost tipped me over the eating edge.   

Add in some home-brewed belgian beer and wine and I'm not sure any of us were up for doing too much else but we saw the sun was going down so we headed out for a walk, taking pictures in the fields as the day drew in. 

As we retired back to the campfire, Erin and Jo had hot chocolate, mint chocolate tea and proper homemade marshmallows waiting for us. We lingered, chatting some more and exchanging details for keeping in touch. 

Thank you so much to everyone who came, contributed and encouraged. If you wanted to but weren't able to join us this time, please do sign up below to get first news about the next gathering. I love doing this, bringing people together and working with such talented women to make it happen. It will be Autumn before we know it and I can't wait to do it all over again. 

5 TIPS FOR FINDING + FOLLOWING YOUR PASSION

I truly believe that when people are true to themselves and have the freedom to pursue what they are passionate about the world becomes a better place.

Catherine of Siena said "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire". I love this quote because it speaks truth into the notion that when we are being our truest selves, our most switched on to the things that make us come alive, we are giving the world our best. When we thrive, the world thrives. What we need is more people doing work and life in a more whole-hearted way.

I love nothing more than meeting people who have identified their passion, the thing that makes their soul bubble up and are making space for that in their life - these people are contagious and often seem to have a deep contentment. This is not to say that your passion should become your full-time job or that following your passion is easy. It isn't. Sometimes pursuing our passion takes grit, bravery and patience but there is an understanding deep within us that what we are doing matters, sets us alight and makes us a bit more whole.  

I think this can be especially hard once you become a parent. The responsibilities of life can take over and it can be hard to feel like you really know yourself anymore. Sometimes life can be all routine, all expectations and can veer us away from the important pursuit of the things that spark us. There's a temptation to accept that life really is about duty, and that finding and following your passion is only for the few - but I disagree. We can all find something that puts fire in our belly, whatever the season of life we are in.

Below are five simple tips for finding and following your passion that I hope will give you some clarity and motivation to go after the work, the cause, the skill or whatever it is that makes you come alive. 

1)  RECOGNISE THAT PASSIONS CHANGE AS WE CHANGE + THAT'S OK.

It would be crazy to think that you should still be passionate about the things you were passionate about when you were 18 or even 28. We are constantly being shaped and moulded by our circumstances and we need to give ourselves permission to evolve. Sometimes we can get stuck doing things out of duty or because we always have, but there should always be room for change, development and experimentation. When I was in my 20's I was really passionate about music and song-writing and for a time I really enjoyed pursuing that. But my life has changed in various ways and that season naturally passed (a copy of my EP came in a donation box to my mother-in-laws charity shop last year so... yeah, that season has passed!). What I've found is that there will often be umbrellas to our passions - so for me I can see that it's writing and creativity. What used to be a desire and drive to write my ideas and points of view into songs sees me now writing those into articles, resources and blog posts. It's the same passion - just evolving as I evolve which is only natural. 

What are some of the things you used to be passionate about but have maybe fizzled out? Are you still giving them your energy? Is there a way you can give yourself permission to close that chapter? What can you see as the umbrella or theme that lies over the things that make you come alive?

+ IDENTIFY WHAT GIVES YOU ENERGY.

Do you remember the last time you felt like you were right in your sweet spot? Or a time when you were really compelled by something and couldn't stop thinking about it? A cause? An activity? Is there a responsibility you took on that surprised you by how much you enjoyed it? There are certain moments in our life that can bring real clarity to where our passion lies. Sometimes it can be clouded by the all the 'but's' and the reasons why pursuing something would be silly or too lofty or a total change in direction. We can rationalise ourselves out of anything, but the inspiration that makes your soul sing will still be there, stirring you and making you uncomfortable until you move in its direction. I realised a few years ago that I get a lot of energy from being around creative people. I'm not a practically creative person (in fact, I really tried to be crafty but I've resigned to the fact that I'm just not), but I love to be around other women especially who love to make, write, style and honour their creative side. It was something that I was lacking in my life in my job as an activist and so I decided to start Assembly Gatherings as a way to foster that passion. What about people you look up to? Can you think of someone whose work you really admire and wish you could be a part of? What inspires you about that person or their work? Sometimes we need to identify the last time we felt energised by someone or something and try to distill it down and find out why it made us feel that way. What was the common denominator that brought that energy out in you?

What was it about a particular situation, task, person, activity or group of people that gave you energy? Was it the conversation, the community, the doing, the learning? If you could attempt to do anything in life, knowing there was no academic, financial or situation barriers, what would it be?  

+ TALK YOUR PASSIONS THROUGH WITH YOUR SAFE PEOPLE.

There are some people in life that just don't want us to change or dare I say it, thrive. There are people that struggle to watch other people flourish or be passionate about something for whatever reason. Right off the bat, I would say it's important to identify these people in your life and try not to take on their stuff. Those attitudes and behaviours are about them and them alone. They may be relatives, friends or colleagues who just don't 'get' it. What I have found is that when it comes to finding and following your passion, it's really important to find your safe people - the ones that you can share your ideas, goals and aspirations with. These are people who cheer you on, gently ask you tough questions but are ultimately on your side - without agenda, jealousy or cynicism. When you have something bubbling up inside you, it's so important to let this stuff air out amongst your safe people and glean encouragement from them. There is nothing self-serving or egotistical about going to your safe people to validate your desires or passions - in fact, it's a really healthy way to exercise vulnerability and be nurtured. It might just be your partner or your best friend, it doesn't have to be a formal focus group or a wide-spread variety of friends. I have my husband, three best friends and a couple of similarly minded creative women that I talk to about my writing and creative pursuits. They don't have to fully understand or be an active part of things but they can cheer you on, ask questions and be the accountability catalyst you need to put your ideas into action. 

Who are your safe people? Whose voice or opinions really matter to you?  Who can you email, text or chat with about the stuff you are passionate about? Who are the people you need to set your sharing boundaries with? When was the last time you shared your hearts desires or pursuits with someone safe? 

+ TAKE SMALL STEPS.

Sometimes finding out what you are passionate about can be a season of trial and error. Sometimes it's about going with your gut, pushing a door and seeing where it leads you. There is no magic formula to finding it but often just a willingness to take the next step. When I got interested in human trafficking I was 22 and living in London. I was working for a charity that was setting up a campaign about the issue and I asked if I could volunteer to help. I started by organising a University Tour for the team to go around and raise awareness - we're talking spread sheets, booking travel, liaising with Student's Unions. It's a far cry from the more in-depth prevention work I'm doing today but it gave me a taste of being part of something bigger and over time, my heart kept coming back to it. There are all kinds of clubs, groups, team, charities and causes both in your local community and online that can give you a glimpse into whatever it is you are keen to explore. Sometimes it takes a bit of investigation to see what is happening around you or to find something you can connect into but making that small step is so worth it. Experiment a bit and don't think of it as wasted time - in fact, try not to factor time into it at all. Maybe you can't find anything relevant to connect in with and you need to start something from scratch? Start small - set up a facebook group, a twitter account or ask around for other interested people. Every small step in any considered direction will help you to know whether something is really for you or not. There are no prizes for whoever can find their passion and start doing it in the fastest time.  

What small step can you make to pursue something you've been thinking about? What investigating do you need to do around your subject/issue/activity of interest? 

+ EMBRACE THE FEAR.

Everything you can think of is going to try and distract and divert you from pursuing what you are passionate about. You will convince yourself of all kinds of reasons not to look into something or that you aren't enough in some way. Fear lurks around us in the most obvious and subtle ways. I wrote about it more here a few years ago. The truth is that if we can harness our fear, we can begin to unpack what's behind it. Is what you are wanting to do actually dangerous? ("Why yes Mel, my passion is walking across hot coals!" In that case - your fear may be legit and your body is telling you to chill...) What would be the worst case scenario? ("People might think I'm not good enough. I might end up giving up after a while and look like a quitter. I don't think I'm ready.") 

Mark Twain wrote that "courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear". Isn't that the truth? If we can embrace it, call it out and choose courage in the midst of it, we could find ourselves stepping into some life-giving places. Sometimes we just need to name the reason behind our fear and you'll find it dissipate a bit - shedding light on those dark places give them less power. 

Can you name your fear and begin to choose courage? When was the last time you did something brave that you never thought you could do? How did it feel? Imagine yourself doing the thing that you really have a passion for and totally bossing it. Try to create new pathways for your mind to go down instead of the rhetoric that binds you up. 

I hope some of this has landed in your soul today and gives you a gentle nudge to go after something you really desire or feel passionately about. I would love to hear from you if this resonates and you want to talk it through more. Leave me a comment here or on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram and let's help each other to come alive that little bit more.